Swimming in Mercury

Where are you now when you’re not in the black, and not quite on white? 

No edges, just blurs and fades and blends.

There aren’t even noise but not all that quiet.

You dive in the deepest blues to resurface in cloud seas.

Not low enough, high but not that far out.

You swim then you fly but you’re never really there. 

You open your eyes and the search is elusive.

Eyes wide shut and it’s almost there.

You’re awake to a muted world.

Your colored world all too awake in your sleep.

And then you’re awake again and grasp the barely there outlines,

To find your colors outside the lines.

And your sunrise a mirage.

Not bright, no light.

An endless sea of gray.

Where are you now if not drowned in silver?

The Pathophysiology of Burning (He said)

I. Ignition & Contact

               Tachychardia

My heart was pounding from walking away from you

My heart was pounding from being burned twice

Burned by the thought of what I had to do

And burned by the scorching frustration from your eyes when I did

The emotions from your eyes at 44^o hit my clammy demeanor

In my hypermetabolic state from being resuscitated from my first burning,

I am weak

My strength is gradually leaving me

I am weak

I cannot fight for us

Guilt and hurt is spreading all over my body

Spreading like tongues of fire licking me all around

Consuming me

Consuming me

With the intensity of your gaze, boring holes on my back,

I could feel it burning my tissues, necrosis not far behind

              

 Peripheral Vasoconstriction

I hid behind a pillar beyond your sight,

I hid not to be seen burned alive from you

Catching my breath as pain radiated from my body

I started to feel numb

A last resort to surviving the pain of the heat

I cannot move

I wanted to run back to you and beg for forgiveness

But I cannot move

We cannot be

              

 Blood shift

Thump

               Thump

You want to fight

I saw it in your eyes

Yet when I spoke once more of the lies I needed said

You accepted

Your acceptance increased the severity of my burns

Reaching past the zone of coagulation all the way

All the way to the zone of hyperemia

After the many times I told you I love you, you believed

Now in response to this thermal damage,

My body decreased the blood flow of the burnt area,

My chest

Attempting to lessen the pain

I am losing

I am losing

But my body won’t allow it.

II. Oxygen Deprivation

The decrease in blood flow,

Resulting in decrease of oxygen,

Resulting in my suffocation in carbon monoxide

I need oxygen

I need my oxygen

I need you

Wheezing and coughing I am suffocating from my own decision

I drop on my knees,

Tears and sweat drying up as fast as they are pouring down

In this ball of fire I am trapped in,

I struggle to inhale even a whiff of you

But I can’t

I can’t breathe you

III. Carbon Monoxide Inhalation

Smoke from blue flames of frustration and hate from the world

Asphyxiates me as my oxygen runs out

Two choices

One end

Extinguish the flames

Or be incinerated

It doesn’t matter anymore because no matter which end

I cannot have her

I’m already in too deep

Charred and blackened

My body is still attempting to hold on

IV. Unconsciousness

Hypoxemia

The fire is almost calming

Lulling me to sleep

I feel…

Nothing

I am beyond the pain now

I am numb

I am breathing poison

I’m seeping into darkness

Into the darkness of my toxic decision

I’m not that sure if I’m even really breathing

All I see is white spots

All I see is gray

All I see is black

All I see is the absence of you

V. Cardiac Arrest & Death

It’s over

We’re over

We’re really over

The truth of your absence overpowered me

It’s so strong

So strong that in your absence my heart stopped

There really is no more reason for beating

There is still time for recovery

My body is screaming at me

But at this moment, I won’t let it

I had enough

In six minutes or less my brain will die,

I will die

Finally succumbing into the flames

I’m letting go

If you would only tread the waters I allowed you to see and see my reason

Really see,

Then scour from my ashes as confirmation of truth,

Then there we might find redemption.

The Pathophysiology of Drowning (She said)

 I. Submersion (Mammalian diving reflex*)

Bradycardia

Cold

Cold was unwelcomed by my overheated cheeks

Cold as your words at 18^o hit my face,

At once my rapid heart slowed in response

Slowed as if in anticipation of my demise in the surrealism of the situation,

Slowed as acceleration decreased dramatically in my spinning world

That cold splash left me frozen,

I didn’t even realize I was falling,

Sinking,

Almost completely submerged

Peripheral Vasoconstriction

Numb

The slow pumping of my heart, the triggered effect,

A last resort to surviving the depth,

I couldn’t feel my feet, my arms, my hands…

I struggled to walk or at least reach out

But my body won’t let me,

So I stood frozen

A last attempt at self-preservation

Blood Shift

Inspire

Expire

Breathe in

Breathe out

That is what I have been reduced to do

I could feel the blood rushing,

Rushing to the region of my chest between my neck

And diaphragm

To prevent my poor lungs from collapsing,

I am losing

I am losing

Yet my body still fights

II. Oxygen Deprivation

You were my oxygen, the air I breathe

As I watched you walk away I hold my breath

I hold my breath to try to access what air is left

I panicked,

I struggled at the suddenness,

But this voluntary apnea wouldn’t last long.

My body won’t allow it.

But I try anyway,

I was never a fatalist

The concept of ‘you and me’ used to be as easy as breathing

Now that ‘you and me’ doesn’t exist anymore,

Even something as natural as breathing is hard

III. Water inhalation

Two choices

One end

I could swallow your words and my pride along with it,

I could cough out all the spite, all the frustrations, all the hurt,

Just so I don’t drown

But either way, any choice would only quicken the drowning,

Quicken by unintentionally inhaling more water

Either way, it’s too late

I’m in too deep

The hurt of the situation has entered my airways,

Seeping in, flooding me

My body attempts again to sustain me

Blocking the hurt,

Slowing the drowning

IV. Unconsciousness

Hypoxia

The lack of oxygen to the brain,

The lack of my brand of oxygen,

Would eventually render me unconscious

I am already cold

I am already numb

I am already tired

Sleep is welcoming

My vision is blacking out,

I see spots of white,

I see gray,

I see black

What I don’t see,

Is you

 V. Cardiac Arrest and Death

You’re gone

You’re really gone

The truth of your absence overpowered me

It’s so strong

So strong that in your absence my heart stopped

There really is no more reason for beating

There is still time for recovery

My body is screaming at me

But at this moment, I won’t let it

I had enough

In six minutes or less my brain will die,

I will die

Finally succumbing into the water,

I’m letting go

See the irony

I’m drowning in deep,

I’m drowning in the subterranean of my reasons,

I’m drowning in your shallow waters of reason.

It’s amazing how you still manage to take my breath away,

In more ways than one.

30 Minutes to Sunset

I am not a sun-worshipper.

Yet I can’t avoid its taunting glare at noon

as it seeps its scorching rays through the blinds,

or glows in maddening blaze behind curtains,

making their patterns, reverse shadow puppets.

The steady glow dims then turns on as if

10,000 watts empower it in its attempt at mocking

As scarce clouds pass by, the sun hides,

Perchance laughs

Then back again to wreak its intoxicating rage stimulation

Brows knit

Sweat pours

The low hum of the air conditioner offers small comfort

Temporary

Only cooling the coals of unsettling somewhat

Temporary

You try to sleep away this afternoon war

Else rage displaces

Creeping away from my dark veiled room

I can’t help but take a second glance at the hallway

And surrender…

Surrender to the forgotten unexpected

Grandeur of gold

Not brilliant

But soft

Soft gold

A peace offering?

Or another mock gesture?

I am not a sun-worshipper

But I feel bittersweet for sunsets.

Paper[cut] Cranes

Cut

“You have to cut that part out. It shouldn’t be there anymore.”

The deepest cuts aren’t skin deep,

nor do they even graze the surface.

But the pain is physical.

Definitely physical. 

It’s the straight-to-the-gut-heart-wrenching-stomach-twisting

fall-on-your-knees hurt.

And by cut, it doesn’t even pertain to scratches or wounds.

It’s more of the slicing-out of a huge chunk of you.

And even when that’s gone, the pain lingers.

In gestalt viewpoint, your body looks for completion,

- a phantom limb.

Fold

“Keep that part in, so this faces outward. That’s what it should look like.”

You’re left with an ineffable loss of direction.

You want to keep it all in,

to just crawl inside a hole and disappear.

Yet you also want to scream your bloody lungs out.

You crave silence, you just want everyone to shut the fuck up.

But you also want to drown in noise and raves.

Leaving you in bipolar disarray,

what do they want to see?

Mania?

Depression?

Tuck & Pull

“Push in lightly just like that. Then take this out. Gently, gently…”

No one really leaves you alone.

You want them to.

And you don’t want them to.

What the hell are you supposed to do now?

Smooth out

“You’re almost done. It’s looking good. You’re doing great.”

They tell you you’re doing great. 

They tell you, you don’t look like crap.

They tell you, you look like crap.

They tell you, you look like crap but fixable.

What do I tell myself?

This hell doesn’t seem to end, but I’m trying.

Add the I’s eyes 

“Make it alive. Then, you’re done.”

I’m trying.

I’m trying to make this stupid paper crap.

They say if you make a thousand paper cranes,

you get a wish.

So far I have 300 papercuts,

578 crumpled crane hybrids in the trash,

and 0 cranes.

You should’ve known better before you did this.

I suck at origami.

But I try anyway.

I don’t know what to do anymore,

that I turn to folding paper,

wishing you would appear.

Laughing bitterly, I ask

how come paper can be animated to live?